a prelude to of life and of love

i feel sad today.
and i know i should not be. probably the events and talks from last night made me feel this way. i visited the wake of my good old friend's dad last night. i had the opportunity to talk with his wife (my friend's mom) and i felt the pain and sadness despite her calm composure and so with hearing his younger sister's recollection of what had happened.

then i met eryl at the same place and we talked of good times, our heartaches, of sadness and of pain too.

when i arrived home, i felt sooooo sad :( like a sponge, i absorbed every sadness and pain there was that night. and i cried myself to sleep. not because i have to but i need to.

and when i woke up this morning, i still feel sad. i did not want to get up but i had so many responsibilities at the office, i could not disappoint them just because i felt like this. i had to force myself to get up. and there's the party tonight which i did not feel going to anymore (and i've been excited about it since monday..)

sigh..
i realized it was good of me that i did not become a psychologist nor a guidance counselor. who knows what would have happen to me..

sadness is, well, a sad thing.

sigh..
im writing this two blog entries because im hoping this would help me. i just dont know if it did..

"oF LiFe and Of LoVe"

death comes and can be seen in strange ways.
for people who were in a healthy state before their unexpected end, it is the most devastating for the people who were left behind.
for people who died young, it is with most regret that they have not lived as long as they should have.
for people sick with an illness, it is a painful journey towards their end.

strange it may be, but it is inevitable. all of us will have to one day, meet
with our end, no matter how strange it came and met us.

love,like death comes and is seen in strange ways.
you fell for someone you did not expect to.
you love someone who will never love you back.
you fell in love with each and the one falls out of it.
you fell in love and be together forever.
you cannot let go of someone you love despite the fact that you should.
and it seems the ways never ends..
unlike death.

death is part of our life's journey. after our walk in this earth, we will one day end our journey towards our Ultimate Creator. we believe it is the ultimate end yet another journey of the after life. nobody knows what really is. for those left behind, there is nothing left to do but accept.

love is also a part of our life's journey. our walk in this earth is made wonderful because of it. like death, love is a journey of the unknown. it could be happy and it could be sad. for the one left behind, it is living each day, remembering the pain that we wish would go away. for the one who left, it is a journey of not to look back and live on with the decision one made.

its amazing how love and death could be the same yet so different. strange isnt it?

hallmark cards

i always love reading those hallmark cards at bookstores, MUSHY THEY MAY SOUND. in fact, i copy them..haha! is it illegal? =) i wanted to keep these..they are soooooo funny..and besides you & i might need them when we need a reason to laugh :)

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...(inside card) i'VE CHANGED MY MIND!

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...(inside card) i NEVER BELIEVED IN HELL UNTIL I MET YOU!

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....(inside card) THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE TO RUIN IT FOR ME!

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....(Inside card) WiLL YOU TAKE THE KNIFE FROM MY BACK? YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED IT AGAIN!

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...(inside card) ALMOST LIFELIKE!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...(inside card) NOW WE'VE BROKEN UP, i THINK ITS TIME TO FULFILL YOUR PROMISE!

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....(inside card) DiD YOU EVER FIND OUT WHO THE FATHER WAS?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...(inside card) i'D MISS YOU TERRIBLY AND THiNK OF YOU OFTEN!

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...(inside card) SO WE'RE HAViNG YOU PUT TO SLEEP!

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....(inside card) WHAT THE HELL WAS i THINKING!

11. I'm so miserable without you...(inside card) IT'S ALMOST LiKE YOU'RE STiLL HERE!

12. Thank you for being part of my life...(inside card) i NEVER KNEW WHAT EViL WAS UNTiL MET YOU!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day! (inside card) TOO BAD NO ONE LiKES YOUR HUSBAND..

14. How can I say this? (inside card) YOUR COOKiNG KiLLS ME!

15. Hooray! (inside card) YOU'RE DiVORCED.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...(inside card) ESPECiALLY SiNCE YOU SURViVED..

17. Congrats on getting married...(inside card) iT'S NOT EVERYDAY YOU DECiDE TO RUIN YOUR LiFE!

18. Someday I hope to marry...(inside card) SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...(inside card) WHAT DO YOU WE SAY WE STOP?

make for a friend now. ahahaha! :)

halu-halo ispisyal

like the filipino specialty, this entry is a "halu-halo", in a sense because it is a mixture of emotions: sadness, joy, of relief & of realizations.

lately, i've been acting like a villainous goddess (i was thinking of the word "monster" but it doesn't seem to fit me at all. let's think of hera here..hahah!)
i've been wasting my intellect on the most petty things. i've shed tears for times it was not needed, gave in to suspicion & doubt when it was uncalled for and i have suffered when it was unnecessary. i have realized the foolishness of what has been. as i've said, there had been changes that i have not prepared myself but i am willing to work on it.
lets just say, we both deserve it.
*wink wink*

*****

i've read some good stuff about writing ( i might share some with you some time): about a writer's
life, the words he creates, the world they form & the imagination they build and the acceptance of their difficulty to write at times. i asked myself: am i a writer? do i have what it takes?
i have been often told that i have the gift of putting things into words. do i really now? yes, i write: technically (research, descriptive essays, arguments) and creatively (short stories, journals). back in high school, i was a budding writer of short stories. i recalled i had this particular notebook for my "silly" stories. i call it silly because they were frequently about falling in love, friendships, crushes, boy-meets-girl and the like. my bestfriend tiny & i used to discuss our so-called plots late in the afternoons and would get "kilig" just talking about it. i'd usually feel pumped up whenever a new idea comes into my mind. i'd write profusely for the next few days and after that, my interest would dwindle and be eventually lost. that is why, i never took my writing skills seriously. not eeven in college. i confined my gift to the privacy of my journal. i never regretted it though. call it selfish but i chose to share my gift to people whom i care the most. i still believe i am an "incidental" writer. i don't write for deadlines and i don't fret about grammatical errors!
but why do i write?
because i want to. it makes me feel alive. whenever i write, i feel connected with my mind, my heart and my soul. it may not be the best literature but for me, every piece i've created is a manifestation of my gift. that is why, i have chosen to share my gift of words to people whom i know need it most. if someone reads my blogs even out of curiousity, it is enough for me.
because you have chosen to share your time, with my mind, my heart and my soul....

*****

allow me to make some greetings here: congratulations to the graduates of 2007 especially to the "loves" of my life, yos (hahah! cornyha oi...) and to the regcom vols who also graduated, nyo, pansit and everyone...thank you for being part of our lives. lots of luck in the real world :)

and the most constant of them all...

after weeks of speculations, guesswork & hell-rasing threats ("i will resign if sir _ _ _ _ _ will be the new director"), the new director for our department has finally been identified. and the man is mr. fred alpas, my former prof in philosophy of man. i've been working with mam daisy for six years, back when i was still the wide-eyed volunteer up to the ogre admin assistant i am now. hahaha!
hmmm..i wonder how is he as a boss? im actually excited to be working for him. it will totally be a new experience for me & for all of us.

which brings me...

there are certain changes that we welcome most. but, there are also changes that we refuse to accept. like me. there are certain circumstances that pulled me out from the familiarity and its frustrating. but still, there it is. cliche it may sound, change is inevitable, like the night turning into day. even if the sun doesn't comes up, its still morning. people will have to get up and get moving even if it doesnt feel like morning...

and so it is with change..when it happens, no matter how much you don't like it, you just have to say..

bring it on.

the uninvited

people were kind enough to sympathize with me. my beau's friend got married yesterday and i was the "uninvited" one. if you could only hear them...

"grabe pud sha te oi! kabalo bitaw sha na uyab mo, wala na lng pud sa nag-make room maski for one.."

"unsa?!? dili ka invited?! why daw?"

"te, reserved for 1 seat lang lagi? or naa ka lahi na invitation?"

"ok lang unta kung dili mo kaila pero naga-sabay sabay na gud mo.."

blah.blah.blah.

i could only shake my head. the wonder of these people. i really appreciate their concern for me but it doesn't change a thing. im still "uninvited".
do i feel bad? a little but not enough to make me go sulking and bitching about it. because no matter what i do, it doesn't change anything. im just a little curious for the reason but there it is. she doesn't want me around.

enough said.

a case of expansion

i finally created my own account in blogger. this is probably what businessess would term as expansion and branching out. hahaha! im not totally moving out from blogging at friendster but i've decided to try out chillete's world of blogging. hahaha! i have not really prepared what to write for my "maiden" entry here. just to get a feel of things (or rather have a sense of familiarity) i decided to bring with me my favorite entries at friendster.

what's in a name anyway? (3/16/2007)
i am once at a certain crossroad.
how long am i willing to understand?
for how long will i understand?
i never intended to get everything.
i never wanted to own it all.
I THINK I HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO OWN THIS CERTAIN PART OF HIM.

i always believe that terms of endearment refers to a single "dear" person. not even out of mockery and in the name of friendship. doing so would be breaking the natural law of things.

i have been robbed off of my peace of mind.
i felt invaded.
i felt a certain space in my realm has been conquered.
someone has taken a big part of me from me...

why can't i just have this part of him?
why do i have to share it?
do i really have to share this?

i appeal to you..
let me just have this part of him..

my sweet torment (3/5/2007)
im not even sure if i should be writing this entry in the privacy-hungry friendster blogs. people who know me could easily grapple what i am talking about. but i have finally chosen to write my own sweet suffering. for years now, i have lived accepting other people's perception that i am the villain. i am the failure in this side of the story. but you see, i dont give a damn anymore of who i was, who i am, and probably, who i will be. because this is my story. and it deserves to be told.

life is all about making choices, we all know about that. its either you do, or you don't. you let them, or you don't. there is no in-between nor a maybe.

3 years ago, i have chosen to be someone. i was in doubt, but i believed in the power of what i felt and what i was willing to do. it was heavenly and wonderful. it was not sweet sailing but i held on. i knew i just could not give up on something so wonderful. but sad to say, reality started to sink in. i had my ideals and expectations. but i let them all go. i was willing to short change myself to make things work.but i guess one could not do it all the time. human as i am, i only felt betrayed and i felt so used. human as i am, i always believed in the fair exchange of things. but i wanted to try it again. i was willing to make it work.

second chances came but i feel that i am hanging with a rope in my neck, and any time soon, the thing im standing on will break and soon it will be the end.

but it has happened again. but this time, i am not only against myself but i am against circumstances and other people.

i did not demand. i did not complain. i never said anything. i kept my mouth shut. i acted ideally despite the things that i could demand for, the things that i truly deserve. i kept everything to myself. but now, i felt i have reached the end of my tether. but despite everything, i still want it to work.

was i wrong? was i being irrational? what have i done? why cannot you do it for me? why them and why not me? what do i have to do? what can i do more? many questions but it will all end up to this..

i will never be the best. i will never be enough. i just have to accept the truth that whatever i do, whatever i can give, i will only be a second choice.

i can only understand.
i can only be patient.
i can only be willing.
i can only be giving.
this is my story.
this is my sweet torment.
and i have chosen to live it..

my cursed subject (3/9/2007)
in my entire school life, i have never encountered a subject as hellish as research & statistics. math is a pain, but not as sh*tty as research & stat.

back in college (sophomore years), i got a painful 79 in my first research subject. i had sleepless nights and endured the brunt of my research prof 'coz since i slept late, i always arrived late in his 8:45 class. and i got a 79, for all i care. i passed his class (even below my grade standard) but i was only glad to get off the subject. during senior year, i had to do my thesis as a program requirement. same type of work, and worse, same professor. duh! i had to endure another year of research and analysis. pardon my insolence but sir orcy (read as orki, that sounds like porky) as we fondly him, called was not really an effective and motivating teacher. he taught the same topic and he used the same references he referred to mass comm studes 5 years ago, NO! make it 7 years ago. or maybe 10 years ago. and i heard, he still is the research prof today. (lol!) i must say, lots of luck to his students. i passed the "agony" with flying colors. i was finally free.

BUT NOW?
im going through the same type of agony: research and stat in grad school. i have no choice, its an academic requirement. what makes it more arduous is our eccentric professor whom i find ineffective. once again, forgive me of impudence. she heckles at late students, threatens to debar us in class after 1 absence, threatens to give us a grade of 3 (she'll really ruin my clean and academically excellent scholastic records) and lectures for only an hour. and here's more. aside from the research paper as our final requirement, she tells us of a final exam in statistics. and now i have to get yos to tutor me in stat.

ugh!
why do i have to go through all of this?
its all for this: Devi Joy B. Migue, MPA
it so heartwarming to read.
but before that i have to get through HER.

living at 25 (2/21/2007)
i waited till midnight.
i wanna be awake on the first hour of my special day.
i suppose, there's nothing magical in there.
but i've always been childish.
my birthday still excite me.

im 25 now (never mind friendster--it's a day late).
i had my fair share of tears, laughter, anger, disappoinment, and every emotion there is.
but i know, it's not even the real thing yet.
i know, as i get older, times will be tougher.
i know, as i get older, change is inevitable.
i know, as i get older, everything will take a new turn or it'll be the same tide i'll be riding.
evertything will depend on me, on my choices.
i only pray that i God will give me enough wisdom and courage to face the

another year in my life.
i'm greatly thankful that He gave me another life, another year to be a better person =)
the everyday for me is His greatest gift.

when i was walking at the log suspended mid-air during our outland adventure, i realized my life is like that.
life is the log.
it sways, scares the hell out of you, goes with the wind, it rocks some

more when you move unintentionally and it challenges you.
i am me.
i can be scared, i can run away. i can play safe by not doing the challenge.
but i did.
i got scared but i fought. i walked through it.
the people looking at me were the people who cheered or snickered for my craziness to even try such stunt. they could be my friends, my colleagues, my family.
my harness is my Creator.
i know that even if i fall, His harness will protect me.
i felt scared to jump, but i know His harness will lighten my fall.

happy birthday to me.
also to little corinales & ellen bitte and my uncle =)

and thank you to the people who never forgot.
you know who you are.
God bless you always =)

miss earth & garbage: a perfect combination (11/26/2006)
the miss earth beauty pageant never fails to bring out the radical in me. as i've argued before, i dont find any relevance between a beauty pageant and environmental issues. i think i've already stressed this "relevance" issue in my previous blog so i guess there is no need to iterate on my part.

for this year, i think the pageant suffered from too much of "Empire Manila". it talked about
Manila being the seat of heroes and history. oh yeah??? the pageant's researchers and scriptwriters had a very narrow knowledge of Phil. history and is seem to be suffering from a "selective memory of history illness".

in addition to such shallow view of our history, it seems to me that environmental issues had taken a backseat in the whole course of the pageant. if they were really bent on saving Mother Earth, then they could have tackled "real" environmental issues like the oil spill at the Guimaras Island, coral reef preservation and others. NO. they were too busy parading their swim wear and long gowns to discuss stuff as future advocates of saving Earth.

which brings me to the next point of my nitpick.

can these pageants organize "intellectual activities" for these skinny ladies aside from visiting orphanages and dancing with children, planting tress in stilletos and endless smiling for the press? we need forums, exhibit and presentation relevant to the solving of our environment.
NOW I WONDER, if these ladies ever know something about, Materials Recovery facility? anyone?

i beg these organizers to stop giving us this kind of garbage.
it is DEFINITELY a waste of time and money.
now i know why so many people never took environment preservation a serious matter.
we need LEADERS, not beauty queens who cannot even touch a piece of dirt.
we need action and results, not just aesthetic value.

hmmm..what can i say? welcome miss devi :)