a case of expansion

i finally created my own account in blogger. this is probably what businessess would term as expansion and branching out. hahaha! im not totally moving out from blogging at friendster but i've decided to try out chillete's world of blogging. hahaha! i have not really prepared what to write for my "maiden" entry here. just to get a feel of things (or rather have a sense of familiarity) i decided to bring with me my favorite entries at friendster.

what's in a name anyway? (3/16/2007)
i am once at a certain crossroad.
how long am i willing to understand?
for how long will i understand?
i never intended to get everything.
i never wanted to own it all.
I THINK I HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO OWN THIS CERTAIN PART OF HIM.

i always believe that terms of endearment refers to a single "dear" person. not even out of mockery and in the name of friendship. doing so would be breaking the natural law of things.

i have been robbed off of my peace of mind.
i felt invaded.
i felt a certain space in my realm has been conquered.
someone has taken a big part of me from me...

why can't i just have this part of him?
why do i have to share it?
do i really have to share this?

i appeal to you..
let me just have this part of him..

my sweet torment (3/5/2007)
im not even sure if i should be writing this entry in the privacy-hungry friendster blogs. people who know me could easily grapple what i am talking about. but i have finally chosen to write my own sweet suffering. for years now, i have lived accepting other people's perception that i am the villain. i am the failure in this side of the story. but you see, i dont give a damn anymore of who i was, who i am, and probably, who i will be. because this is my story. and it deserves to be told.

life is all about making choices, we all know about that. its either you do, or you don't. you let them, or you don't. there is no in-between nor a maybe.

3 years ago, i have chosen to be someone. i was in doubt, but i believed in the power of what i felt and what i was willing to do. it was heavenly and wonderful. it was not sweet sailing but i held on. i knew i just could not give up on something so wonderful. but sad to say, reality started to sink in. i had my ideals and expectations. but i let them all go. i was willing to short change myself to make things work.but i guess one could not do it all the time. human as i am, i only felt betrayed and i felt so used. human as i am, i always believed in the fair exchange of things. but i wanted to try it again. i was willing to make it work.

second chances came but i feel that i am hanging with a rope in my neck, and any time soon, the thing im standing on will break and soon it will be the end.

but it has happened again. but this time, i am not only against myself but i am against circumstances and other people.

i did not demand. i did not complain. i never said anything. i kept my mouth shut. i acted ideally despite the things that i could demand for, the things that i truly deserve. i kept everything to myself. but now, i felt i have reached the end of my tether. but despite everything, i still want it to work.

was i wrong? was i being irrational? what have i done? why cannot you do it for me? why them and why not me? what do i have to do? what can i do more? many questions but it will all end up to this..

i will never be the best. i will never be enough. i just have to accept the truth that whatever i do, whatever i can give, i will only be a second choice.

i can only understand.
i can only be patient.
i can only be willing.
i can only be giving.
this is my story.
this is my sweet torment.
and i have chosen to live it..

my cursed subject (3/9/2007)
in my entire school life, i have never encountered a subject as hellish as research & statistics. math is a pain, but not as sh*tty as research & stat.

back in college (sophomore years), i got a painful 79 in my first research subject. i had sleepless nights and endured the brunt of my research prof 'coz since i slept late, i always arrived late in his 8:45 class. and i got a 79, for all i care. i passed his class (even below my grade standard) but i was only glad to get off the subject. during senior year, i had to do my thesis as a program requirement. same type of work, and worse, same professor. duh! i had to endure another year of research and analysis. pardon my insolence but sir orcy (read as orki, that sounds like porky) as we fondly him, called was not really an effective and motivating teacher. he taught the same topic and he used the same references he referred to mass comm studes 5 years ago, NO! make it 7 years ago. or maybe 10 years ago. and i heard, he still is the research prof today. (lol!) i must say, lots of luck to his students. i passed the "agony" with flying colors. i was finally free.

BUT NOW?
im going through the same type of agony: research and stat in grad school. i have no choice, its an academic requirement. what makes it more arduous is our eccentric professor whom i find ineffective. once again, forgive me of impudence. she heckles at late students, threatens to debar us in class after 1 absence, threatens to give us a grade of 3 (she'll really ruin my clean and academically excellent scholastic records) and lectures for only an hour. and here's more. aside from the research paper as our final requirement, she tells us of a final exam in statistics. and now i have to get yos to tutor me in stat.

ugh!
why do i have to go through all of this?
its all for this: Devi Joy B. Migue, MPA
it so heartwarming to read.
but before that i have to get through HER.

living at 25 (2/21/2007)
i waited till midnight.
i wanna be awake on the first hour of my special day.
i suppose, there's nothing magical in there.
but i've always been childish.
my birthday still excite me.

im 25 now (never mind friendster--it's a day late).
i had my fair share of tears, laughter, anger, disappoinment, and every emotion there is.
but i know, it's not even the real thing yet.
i know, as i get older, times will be tougher.
i know, as i get older, change is inevitable.
i know, as i get older, everything will take a new turn or it'll be the same tide i'll be riding.
evertything will depend on me, on my choices.
i only pray that i God will give me enough wisdom and courage to face the

another year in my life.
i'm greatly thankful that He gave me another life, another year to be a better person =)
the everyday for me is His greatest gift.

when i was walking at the log suspended mid-air during our outland adventure, i realized my life is like that.
life is the log.
it sways, scares the hell out of you, goes with the wind, it rocks some

more when you move unintentionally and it challenges you.
i am me.
i can be scared, i can run away. i can play safe by not doing the challenge.
but i did.
i got scared but i fought. i walked through it.
the people looking at me were the people who cheered or snickered for my craziness to even try such stunt. they could be my friends, my colleagues, my family.
my harness is my Creator.
i know that even if i fall, His harness will protect me.
i felt scared to jump, but i know His harness will lighten my fall.

happy birthday to me.
also to little corinales & ellen bitte and my uncle =)

and thank you to the people who never forgot.
you know who you are.
God bless you always =)

miss earth & garbage: a perfect combination (11/26/2006)
the miss earth beauty pageant never fails to bring out the radical in me. as i've argued before, i dont find any relevance between a beauty pageant and environmental issues. i think i've already stressed this "relevance" issue in my previous blog so i guess there is no need to iterate on my part.

for this year, i think the pageant suffered from too much of "Empire Manila". it talked about
Manila being the seat of heroes and history. oh yeah??? the pageant's researchers and scriptwriters had a very narrow knowledge of Phil. history and is seem to be suffering from a "selective memory of history illness".

in addition to such shallow view of our history, it seems to me that environmental issues had taken a backseat in the whole course of the pageant. if they were really bent on saving Mother Earth, then they could have tackled "real" environmental issues like the oil spill at the Guimaras Island, coral reef preservation and others. NO. they were too busy parading their swim wear and long gowns to discuss stuff as future advocates of saving Earth.

which brings me to the next point of my nitpick.

can these pageants organize "intellectual activities" for these skinny ladies aside from visiting orphanages and dancing with children, planting tress in stilletos and endless smiling for the press? we need forums, exhibit and presentation relevant to the solving of our environment.
NOW I WONDER, if these ladies ever know something about, Materials Recovery facility? anyone?

i beg these organizers to stop giving us this kind of garbage.
it is DEFINITELY a waste of time and money.
now i know why so many people never took environment preservation a serious matter.
we need LEADERS, not beauty queens who cannot even touch a piece of dirt.
we need action and results, not just aesthetic value.

hmmm..what can i say? welcome miss devi :)